Thursday, May 18, 2006

Chapter Seventeen

The ship docked at 9 am.

Alma strolled to the top of the gangway just as two deckhands began securing the ropes.

The captain had arranged for her to go ashore first. The rest of the passengers assumed that she was the captain’s wife. After all they had dined and then danced together all evening. They had even been seen kissing by the forecastle.
The sky was deep blue and cloudless over St. Petersburg. All along the quayside a multitude of dock workers busied themselves, loading, moving and unloading schooners and barges.


The deckhands finally secured the gangway to the ship. Alma carefully made her way down. Halfway she looked up to the bridge. The captain waved. She gave him an affectionate smile and proceeded to get off the boat.

A steward followed down with her suitcase and summoned a coach driver.
“Take the lady to Hotel Saint Stanislav!”

The driver opened the rear door. Alma climbed into the stifling vehicle as he placed her suitcase in front of her.

“Be careful with your personal effects, Madame. There are so many thieves here!”
Alma smiled and thought of the egg hidden right next to her heart.

The streets were jam-packed with carts and street sellers. Pedestrians crossed back and forth with very little regard for the speeding carts and horse-drawn landaus.
Two horses pulled the coach at breakneck speeds through tunnels, alleyways, back streets and narrow lanes. Alma caught a few glimpses of St Petersburg’s daily life whenever they slowed down to negotiate a bend or u-turn.

Twenty minutes of frenzied gallop led them to a huge, ornate iron gate. A guard spoke to the driver and waved to the gate keeper to open up. The hotel forecourt stood at the end of a mile-long tree lined drive. The building, an old imperial palace had been turned into a hotel after the war.

A porter in bright Russian attire rushed down the steps to greet Alma.
“Good morning Madame. Welcome the Hotel Saint Stanislav. I hope you enjoyed the crossing.”

“Yes, thank you!”

She paid the driver and gave him a handsome tip. The porter relieved him of Alma’s suitcase and led her into a cool and sumptuous lobby. Alma was truly amazed at the amount of marble that adorned floors, walls and ceilings.

……

As soon as the porter closed the door, Alma went out onto the balcony. The view was truly breathless.

“This is indeed a room with a view!” She thought aloud.
Huge gardens surrounded the hotel. In the distance over the red roofs and whitewashed buildings, the Gulf of Finland glistened in the midday sun. Anchored ships awaited their turn to enter the port.

“I could be anywhere around the Mediterranean.” She thought.
A knock on the door spoiled Alma’s reverie. She went back into the cool suite and opened the door to a footman holding a note.

“For you, Madame.”

She thanked him and quickly tore the sealed envelope.
It read “Meet me at the restaurant at 9pm. Please ask for Count Astrakhan.”

………..

After a short siesta she slipped into a huge bubble bath.

“What the hell am I doing here?” She wondered. “From a quiet English suburb, after a month on the road I find myself in bloody Eighteenth Century Russia… Let’s just hope I can save my Selwyn!.”

It had all happened so quickly.

Seconds after Alma and Selwyn had found their bearings and realised that they were in good old Russia, two horsemen grabbed her son and galloped away leaving her dumbfounded at the sudden turn of events.

One of the horsemen doubled back and shouted in perfect English: “If you want to see your son again, take the egg to Hotel Saint Stanislav in St Petersburg by the end of the week.”

Clutching the egg she painstakingly made her way to Primorsk where she boarded an overnight boat. The captain proved very generous after Alma had promised to be very open-minded about sharing his bunk for the night. He even gave her a handful of roubles and a suitcase full of ladies clothes. Most probably left by one of his many female escorts.

……

At 8.55pm Alma headed for the door in a smart lilac dress.
“He can fucking wait,” she said as she went back into the room and poured herself a shot of Vodka. She contemplated drinking it but decided against the alcohol.
“I need to keep my wits about me.”

At 9.10pm she reached the ground floor. A bus boy dressed in Russian regalia pointed to the restaurant.

“Le restaurant est par là, madame.”

“Merci.” She replied realising that she had read that in the centuries before the revolution, the aristocracy almost always used French service staff.

Gigantic brass chandeliers hung from a most ornate ceiling. The walls were decorated with intricately carved wooden screens, colourful mosaics and rich fabrics.

Scores of waiters mulled round the huge tables that filled the restaurant. A hushed marketplace murmur hung over each one. Diners of all sexes, sizes and colours busied themselves with food, drink and chatter.

The headwaiter approached Alma and pointed to a table at the far end of the immense room. One lone figure stood up and waved.

Alma thanked the waiter and walked off, shrugging off on her way the watchful gaze of the male diners.

The man, in his sixties, smartly dressed welcomed her with a wide smile.
“Welcome to St Petersburg. My name is Count Astrakan, but please call me Gregory.”

“Please call me Alma.”

She sat down and the count followed suit.

“What would you like to drink, Alma?”

“I’ll have some water if you please.” She replied. “I need to remain sober with this stranger.” She thought.

The count ordered water for both of them and settled back in his chair.

“Tell me, how did you come to own the egg, Alma? Do you have Russian blue blood running through your veins?”

“I have no idea how my grandma came to own it. All I know is that ever since Pyre took a liking to it, I have had nothing but bad luck!” She snapped. “All I want is my son back. You can have your egg as soon as I have Selwyn ….”

“Come, come, dear Alma, you are in no position to dictate, here. You are way over your head with this business!”

Gregory looked at his watch and continued: “At this very moment, your son is in the hands of our very efficient secret police!”

“What am I to do exactly?”

A waiter interrupted the count’s answer by leaning between them to serve the drinks.

“Are you ready to order, sir?”

“Not yet! Leave us alone!” he snapped.

He turned to Alma and said: “Give me the egg and I will arrange for your son’s release. You mess about and I’ll make sure that he rots away in one of our famous jails!”

Alma looked at him and thought: “He’s playing hard, this guy! Let’s see what he thinks of this.”

“I do not have the egg on me. I left it with a ship’s captain. He will not give it to anyone until my son and I have crossed over to Finland.”

The count nearly choked on his first sip of water.

“You must be kidding me! I could have you cut into tiny pieces and fed to your dearest son for the rest of his life, you stupid woman!”

He was seething. “You have no idea where you are, lady! This is a closed country and I can make it hell for you!”

Alma thought: “If you had been able to you would’ve done it already! So stop the shit!”

“I can assure you Gregory, that if you lay one fucking finger on either my son or me, the only egg you’ll see is the one dripping on your face! What will your bosses say when you tell them that you don’t have it?”

From his reaction, Alma knew that she had just gained the upper hand.
“This is the deal: I want you to arrange for my son to meet me at the port tomorrow at nine to catch the first boat out of this hell hole.”

She got up, turned on her heels and headed for the staircase up to her room.



By Cream - Screamers

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Chapter Sixteen

“Alma! Calm down…it’s alright, my darling, it’s alright…”

Derek whipped his pink Argyle pullover from around his neck and draped it lovingly across Alma’s shoulder. He looked at the sweating security guard.

“I’m sorry, sir. My girlfriend has OCD. She takes that bloody kitchen timer everywhere. You ever tried shagging to a tick tick tick? Not easy.”

The guard blinked. His pork-pie face flickered uncertainly. He looked from Alma, shivering and muttering, to Derek. Cool, calm, suave.

“It’s not on Sir. Not on at all. Just won’t do, kicking up such a fuss. Could have caused chaos….”

“Yes, of course, Very disruptive. That’s why we’re on our to Brussels…we have an appointment with Dr Schenkelbenker….hopefully he’ll sort out my precious love..”, Derek stroked Alma’s cheek.

She glared at him, opening her mouth. Derek bent down and dropped a kiss on her lips.

“Fucking shut it Alma. OK? Just put that egg in your gob and shut it. Or else.” His hissed threats did the trick. Alma closed her mouth and did the only thing guaranteed to set them free. She cried. A small, sad tear trickled down her cheek. Then another. And another. She gasped, shuddered, and let the floodgates open. Soon, her howls and sobs filled the air.

“Oh bloody hell. She’s a nutter. Sir, just take her and get lost. I don’t want any more trouble. You just keep that woman under control. I have a bacon sarnie and a nice cuppa waiting for me and I don’t intend to skip it…get out of here, go on…get!”

The guard hitched up his trousers, covering his flabby white belly and turned, losing interest in the loopy cow.

Derek dragged Alma to a row of seats and shoved her into one.

“Nice going Alma. Well fucking done. You nearly lost that egg….you almost landed us in jail. Just pull yourself towards yourself and get a grip, you dumb bitch.”

Through her wet lashes, Alma stared up at Derek.

“Hmmm. Mr Smooth has an interesting dark side,” she thought. “Not so much of the fresh lemony, Blond anymore. I’d better watch him.” She tucked the egg backed into her bra, smoothed her hair and smiled tremulously.

“I’m sorry Derek. Really. I don’t know what came over me. I don’t even have PMS. It’s just been such a crazy few weeks.” She sighed, turned her mouth down sadly and lowered her head, the very picture of abject despair.

“Right. Let’s get moving. Our flight is boarding.” Derek pulled Alma up, slipped his arm firmly through hers, smiled again sweetly, and tugged Alma firmly towards the gate.

********************************

Alma stared down at the English Channel. Tiny boats appeared motionless, dotting the blue water, minute white wakes a fuzzy blur. She leaned back in her seat, closed her eyes and thought about the egg. It freaked her. It HAD been ticking. It had also been very hot. What was going on with that damn egg. The ticking had stopped, and settled into a dull vibration. She could feel its warm buzz against her breasts.

Sighing, Alma opened her eyes. None of it made any sense. She reached forward and yanked out the in-flight magazine from the seat pouch. Flicking through it, she glanced at the articles. Yawn. Dull. A piece about Dr Who, the time traveller.

Time travel? Puhleeese. Who cares? She put the magazine on her lap.

As the pages fell silkily, she looked over at Derek. His eyes were closed, his mouth hung slackly. A small puddle of drool had collected in the corner of his thin lips.

She looked back at the magazine. The pages had fallen open on something incredibly sleep-inducing.

“Quantum Physics Explained….”

Does the thought of quantum physics send a chill down your spine, just like the words calculus, differential equations, and -gasp- organic chemistry? You may not even think that quantum physics is a serious science, like the more familiar…..

Cripes. I don’t need this…she was about to turn the page when a phrase seemed to leap up off the smooth white paper and slap her in her face.

“….the world of these subatomic particles is a very bizarre one, filled with quantum probabilities and organized chaos….”

Bizarre. Yes. Her life was bizarre. The egg was bizarre. Bizarre. Chaos. Yes.

A light switched on in Alma’s brain. She closed her eyes again, and let the electronic waves in her mind hum and undulate. The answer to the riddle was tantalisingly close. So close. She placed her hand over the egg. Immediately, she felt the vibrations increase. The buzz became a frantic tick tick tick…her hand burned. Alma snatched her hand away, opened her eyes and began to read the article.

“…..The electrons don't orbit like planets; they form blurred clouds of probabilities around the nucleus…..”

“….What quantum physics does is give us the statistical probability of the electron's location at any one moment….”

“….Quantum physics even plays a part in blackholes, where regular physics is thrown out the window and then some!”

“Ladies and Gentleman, the fasten seat belts light has been switched on. Kindly return to your seats and prepare for landing. Make sure your hand baggage is safely stowed in the overhead lockers.”

Derek opened his eyes. He looked at Alma. She seemed far away, a dreamy, quizzical expression on her face.

“Alma? “…..He snapped his fingers. “Alma? “

She looked at him, a small smile playing weird games with her lips. Almost as she knew something he didn’t.

“Yes Derek?”

“When we get to the Faberge Exhibition, I want you to stay close to me. No tricks. Understand? Just keep your mouth zipped.”

“Yes Derek.”


The hall was a crush of smelly, noisy humanity. Alma stuck close to Derek. Well, actually, she felt glued to him. He had his arm around her waist and dragged her along as he went from stand to stand, looking at the magnificent display of jewelled eggs.

He stopped suddenly, staring intensely at someone standing just 10m away. A tall, long-legged woman.

Alma gasped. Olga!

She looked around for Oppenheimer. Yes…there he was, the stinking fat slob. Alma slipped behind Derek, hiding her face. She trembled. Holy Schmoly! Now what. How was she going to get away.

A child’s voice pierced her wild thoughts.

“Daddy? Dr Who is the telly in an hour. I want to see Dr Who. Daddy?”

Alma froze. Selwyn. That was Selwyn’s voice. What the hell?

She peeped furtively around Derek’s shoulder. Yup. It was Selwyn. Her beautiful Selwyn. And Lonnie. Bloody hell. Lonnie. She stifled a giggle. Lonnie had gone to seed. His trim frame was blurred with a layer of pudge. Thin sandy hair flopped weakly over a tomato red face and oh cripes…he had on an in-your-face red shirt with green flowers, a pair of baggy khaki shorts…and sandals. Socks and sandals. The archetypal Brit abroad.

Alma wondered fleetingly what shed ever seen in him. Bleugh. But Selwyn. Oh her lovely baby boy.

A plan formed in her mind. A wild flight of fantasy. But maybe…just maybe….

“Woke up this morning
Everything I had was gone.”


The song flashed through her mind. Gone. She had nothing left to lose.

With her free hand, Alma removed the egg from her bra. Immediately, it grew hot and began ticking…louder and louder…tick tick tick tick….

She wrenched free from Derek, dashed towards Selwyn, grabbed his hand and ran.

Chaos ensued. Derek, Lonnie, Olga and Oppenheimer ran after her. Alma ran wildly, frantically, through the sea of people. Screams, shouts, yells….tables knocked over. She ran on.

The egg was screeching its tick tick song. Alma lifted her arm, holding the glowing egg aloft.

The room spun. She gripped Selwyn’s hand tightly.

Tumble tumble tumble…

A shocking flash.

Stunned, Derek and his crowd of followers froze. They crashed into each other. A Laurel and Hardy farce. Except it was real. Alma was gone. Vanished into thin air. With the egg and Selwyn.



“Mum….mummy….you did it…..you penetrated the Matrix…”

Alma sat up. Where were they? She felt dizzy, disoriented.

Glancing around, she saw they were in a field. Surrounded by wild flowers, hedges, a babbling brook. No telephone wires. No electricity pylons. No sounds of cars. Just birds. Water gurgling. And voices. Harsh, foreign voices.

She stood up slowly, and peered over a hedge. 20 m away was a group of caravans. Traditional gyspy caravans. Ragged, shabby children dashed in and out of the vans. Women, dressed in bright traditional dresses fussed over an open fire. A man played a fiddle.

In the distance, Ahttp://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.giflma saw a town. Minnarets, spires, onion domes.

She looked down at Selwyn.

“No sweetheart. Not the Matrix. Time. We’ve penetrated time. And we are about to find some of the answers to this mad mad riddle. I think, my love, that we are in Russia. Two hundred years ago. When this egg was made.”

She held the egg up. It was cool and quiet. Settled.

Selwyn smiled.

“Well done Mums.”


by Wendy who came to the rescue!

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Chapter Fifteen

A suffocating sense of déjà vu rolled over Alma as she lined up at the same airport gates, waiting to be processed into the same boarding lounge. No doubt to sit in the same uncomfortable plastic chairs and drink the same lukewarm tea (obviously, not exactly the same tea, she thought, unless they have some very efficient recycling systems here). Her brain felt spongy and unfocused, and she found herself yawning and dragging her feet.

There was one difference, of course. This time, she was not a lone traveller, but trailing after the unlikely Derek Blond, falsetto super-spy. Who, apparently had ways of finding things out. Alma looked him over with bleary eyes. Shiny shoes, neatly pressed raincoat folded over one arm, pink Argyle sweater knotted around his neck. He took her elbow in one manicured hand and steered her to the end of the queue.

A thought surfaced slowly in her fogged mind.

“Derek, how did you find the egg in my bra?”

“Shhh! Not so loud! The walls may have ears!”

“There aren’t any walls. This is a huge airport building.”

“Er…fair comment.” He seemed strangely flustered.

“Did you use one of those X-ray machines?”

“Ooh, no!” Derek spluttered in horror. “You would have noticed that! It would have aroused your suspicions in an instant! No, we merely scanned your bosom and ran it through the mammo-comparator program (adjusting for height, perceived weight and nippular elevation).” His left eyelid twitched, just a fraction, and he cleared his throat loudly.

Alma considered his statement. There was an anomaly somewhere. She could almost hear little cogwheels turning and ideas clicking into place. Something Derek had said…

A sudden blaring alarm made her jump. Ahead of her, a bored security guard was explaining to a skinny Goth that, while she may have removed her earrings, nose stud and seventeen bracelets, she must still have a sizeable chunk of metal about her person, which would need to be removed to stop the alarm sounding. Perhaps a private room, if Madam’s metalware was intimately attached?

Metalware! That was it!

Alma had gone through airport security yesterday, through the X-ray machine, and the alarms hadn’t gone off. Why hadn’t the egg been picked up? How criminally lax! A sense of righteous indignation boiled up in Alma’s stomach, evaporating her fogginess and torpor. Throwing off Derek’s restraining hand, she bore down on the nearest security guard.

“You! Yes, you in the blue. Where were you yesterday when I came through with THIS in my bra? It’s metal, isn’t it?” She whipped the egg from its hiding place and brandished it at the hapless man. The bright metal glittered in the airport lights, and she gripped it fiercely, digging at its hard surface with her chipped nails.With her free hand, she clutched the guard’s collar, and began shaking him furiously.

“What if it had been a bomb?” screamed Alma. “What if I were an insane bomb-throwing maniac? What if this were TICKING?”

“Er…Madam…” choked the security guard, struggling and sweating.

“What? What?” shrieked Alma, aggressively waving the egg under his nose.

“It IS ticking!”

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By Dr Forte, Ginger and Non-Ginger Cat.

Illustration by Julie Oakley.